


Harry Potter and the Golden Apple Corps

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-13
Updated: 2006-06-13
Packaged: 2019-01-19 23:32:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12420492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Harry gets a very special visit from someone who can help with Voldemort. Insanity is soon to reign.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

Harry Potter and the Golden Apple Corps

Harry Potter sat surveying the living room of 12 Grimmauld Place. His friends had certainly gone above and beyond the call of duty in making the house his godfather had left him fit for living in. It still depressed him not to have Sirius and Dumbledore around, but at least the last thing Sirius had done in the house improved it by at least a thousandfold. Harry had finally achieved an understanding of the event from Kreacher, the treacherous little house elf that had helped Voldemort trick Sirius to charging to his death. 

Kreacher did not want to tell, but Harry barked it out as an order. Through the screams of "Don't Want to!" the elf told how Sirius, thoroughly disgusted that the elf and the portrait of his mother had collaborated with the Malfoys to lure Harry into the ministry, marched straight to the painting and shot a reducto curse at the wall, intending to just blast the damn wall and the painting with the permanent sticking charm out of existence. He got what he wanted, though not what he intended. The painting was the only thing destroyed. The only damage to the wall were two black marks that looked like a dog and a stag.

Harry often thought about this last act of Sirius in his house, and smiled somewhat sadly. But it did make him remember that there were people that loved him in the world. He looked up at the portraits on the walls of his living room smiling. Ron grinned down at him from one and then moved toward the next portrait from where Hermione beamed down at Harry. As Ron's likeness got into the painting and put his arm around Hermione, Harry wondered to himself softly if this meant that the real Ron and Hermione had finally woke up to the fact that they were meant for each other. At this, Harry winced a little bit as he moved his eyes to the portrait of Ginny. 

He had very little time to ruminate, however, as a faint music seemed to be sounding in his ears. He thought he recognized the tune. Something from his elementary school studies of American Muggles. He hazarded a long pull on his wraithrum and pixieflower soda while pondering the strange music and the paisley cloud of smoke that began swirling before him. The music blared and a woman emerged in a tie-dye leotard and tutu with ballet movements that would make an entire company of world renowned dancers drop dead from sheer green envy. At the same time, Harry heard a voice singing odd words to the tune he found familiar, and sprayed the new arrival with a spectacular spit take. As the oddly dressed newcomer hit the floor in laughter, Harry stood in shock listening to the words coming from nowhere.

Mine brain has meditated 

On the spinning of the chao 

It is hovering over the table 

Where the chiefs of staff are now 

Gathered in discussion

Of the dropping of the bomb 

Her apple corps is strong 

Grand and gory ol' Discordja!

At this point Harry lost track of the words as the stranger in his house was turning a dangerous shade of purple. In fact, the stranger was looking worse than he'd ever seen his uncle look when threatening him. He stepped toward the stranger, pulling his wand from his pocket to help when it hit him that she was not invited here, and her appearance may have been some kind of Death Eater trick. 

"Petrificus Totalus!" Harry cast at the figure on the floor, who was now regaining her breath. She sat up and snickered as Harry looked at his wand and tried a couple of other spells.

"Won't do you a bit of good, you know," said a voice from over his shoulder in the direction of his couch. Harry pivoted on his foot in such a way as to have them both in view. "Hi! I'm Omar. The baggage who doesn't seem to have any dress sense over there is Eris Discordia, Goddess of Chaos, Discord, and Confusion."

Harry pointed his wand at the drink in his hand and vanished it. Well, his wand wasn't broken. He wasn't so sure about his mind, especially because at that point the person introduced to him as a goddess stepped out of her clothes. Literally. She took a giant step to the left and into the buff. The hideous outfit remained standing. 

Harry wished desperately that he could speak. He was trying to regain his verbal capability, figure out how two people could get into a place that had even more wards than Hogwarts, and understand just why exactly one of those people had decided to disrobe in front of him. He had to admit that it was probably too much for him at this point, and he would be well within his rights to just gibber quietly to himself.

At that moment, the striking raven-haired beauty started trying to pick a new outfit. At least, Harry thought, that is what it looks like. She had faced the still standing outfit and it had begun to change into different outfits. It took about a minute for the outfit (or the woman-Harry couldn't decide which one) to decide what it was going to be. Harry spent the entire time lost. He tried frantically to gain some kind of grasp on the situation, but the sight of the nude goddess in front of him was depleting his brain's blood supply. The outfit settled on becoming a leather minidress that looked about three sizes too small. It careened around and placed itself on her.

"Hi Harry, I've come to help you kick old Moldybutt's ass!" Eris said, planting a firm kiss on Harry's lips.

Harry did what any sensible seventeen-year-old wizard would do in the same situation—he fainted. 


	2. chapter two

Chapter Two

"Nice one, boss," laughed Omar as she caught Harry, whose head had found a resting-place where, if he were to wake up at the moment would send him right back to la-la land again. She sent Harry's limp body over to lie on the couch and turned to Omar with a grin.

"I told you this would be fun. Besides, with Greyface teaming up with this kid's enemy, he's gonna need some help from us."

A large cockroach scuttled out from under Harry's couch and grew in size until he was about two feet long.

"Hi Gulik!" said Omar brightly. "How was your trip?"

"Terrible!" spat the roach. "I'm not sure which is worse, the bug sprays or the people who chase me trying as hard as they can to get a boot on me."

"Where's Mal-2?" asked Eris petulantly.

"You are frigging omniscient you silly slitch!" Omar snarled, "quit asking me questions you already know the answer to."

"It gives Spamseller something to type. Anyway, I think I'll send him off on a different mission anyway. Does this outfit work for you? I'd just as soon walk around in the buff, but I don't think the boy can take it."

"She couldn't take it," said Gulik firmly, gesturing with an antenna towards the now empty frame where Ginny's portrait hung on the wall. "I think we'll have company presently."

"I know we will," Eris said, overemphasizing the word to try to get Omar's goat. Omar, being one of her most faithful servants, shrugged it off. Eris was a little miffed at his lack of reaction but caused about a gallon of ice cold water from nowhere to hit Harry in the face.

As soon as Harry stopped spluttering, he asked, as calmly as he could, "Who the hell are you people, why are you in my house, and for that matter WHY IN THE BLOODY HELL IS THERE A TWO FOOT ROACH IN MY LIVING ROOM?"

"Can we wait for the rescue party to show up? I'd like to explain this only once."

"Do I have a choice?"

"No, not really. Gulik will bring you your wand, but it won't work on any of us anyway. Suffice it to say that we are allies in your fight."

The roach scuttled across the floor, picked up Harry's wand and brought it to him.

"Thanks," Harry said, wondering if this was what happened from drinking too much, but he'd only put a tiny bit of wraithrum in his soda—in fact, the bottle was still almost completely full.

He didn't have long to think about it, as his door burst open and the rescue party had arrived, most of them pointing their wands at the strangers. Remus Lupin, Tonks, and Arthur Weasley pointed theirs at Omar; Fred, George and Ron pointed theirs (of course) at Gulik. Hermione and Ginny, however, were the only two pointing their wands at Eris. Ginny was red in the face and it seemed to be only the fact that there was an auror in the room that kept her from A-K'ing Eris. Moody was the only one not pointing his wand anywhere. He had put it away and buried his face in his hands. He was muttering something that sounded suspiciously like "Oh no, not again, my nerves still haven't recovered from the last time." He gathered his composure as much as he could and growled, "Put 'em away people. There's nothing a wand can do to this lot. They're on our side anyway."

"You know these people and that bug?" asked Harry, desperately hoping for something to actually make sense.

"One person, Lord Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst, Bull Goose of Limbo and Chairman of the Fair Play for Switzerland Committee," Moody began through clenched teeth, "The roach is Saint Gulik, faithful insect servant of," he waved his hand towards the raven headed beauty in the minidress, "Eris Discordia, goddess of chaos, discord, and confusion. And if they are here to help, we're in more trouble than Voldemort."

"Alastor!" Eris screamed. The rest of the room turned a light pink as she ran up to the aging auror and jumped up on him, wrapping her legs around him and kissing him so hard that they thought she was going to come away with Moody's wooden leg clutched between her teeth. 

The kiss went on for quite some time. Omar cleared his throat. Gulik groomed his antennae. Ginny walked across the room and sat down next to Harry. Fred, George, and Ron started a three-handed game of exploding snap.

When Eris finally let Moody come up for air he blushed slightly (although there is still some debate from those present as to whether it was from embarrassment or lack of oxygen) and said, "Er, yes. Well, I suppose we had better start this discussion somewhere." 


	3. chapter three

Chapter Three 

Harry looked at the motley assemblage in his living room. He was still a little taken aback at the strangeness of the evening, but he decided that it was either a dream, or being "The-Chosen-Boy-Who-Lived-and-Loses-All-His-Parent-Figures" had finally warped his brain beyond repair. He figured either way, the best bet was to just go with it. He stood up, cleared his throat, motioned toward the kitchen, and announced, "It seems that we are going to have a meeting of some sort. If Professor Lupin will kindly close the front door, we can all adjourn to the kitchen and Dobby can serve some refreshments while we have our discussion."

As they made their way into the kitchen, Eris caught Ginny and pulled her aside. "He loves you, you know."

"He's already said so, but he's worried about You-Know-Who hurting me to get to him."

"I know, but I think I can allay his fears by the end of this little chat."

"Why are you helping me? My portrait told me about you parading around in front of him naked." 

"I was just changing clothes, and as a goddess, I tend to ignore all your petty taboos."

Ginny was about to respond to this when Moody's voice came roaring out of the kitchen. "Eris, you everlasting bitch! You started this, get your ass in here to explain!"

"Keep your leg on, Alastor," Eris said, gliding into the room arm-in-arm with Ginny, "As I told Harry a few minutes ago, I'm here to help with his battle against He-Who-Must-Usually-Be-Fucking-Hyphenated."

Harry and Ginny smirked. Fred, George, Ron, and Tonks burst out laughing. Moody himself looked to be on the verge of smiling. Remus, Hermione, and Omar buried their faces in their hands. Gulik just clicked his mandibles and twitched his antennae in a way that seemed to be telling Eris to get on with it.

"Your enemy, Voldietwit, seems to have joined forces with my enemy, Greyface. This brings a new twist on an old problem for all of us. As your enemy is now mine, I am here to induct you all into the Golden Apple Corps. Harry, as you are the one who has to kill Moldybutt, I think you can stand in as the one to answer in the ceremony."

"Er, I guess," Harry said, not at all sure he really wanted anything to do with this.

"Are you a Human Being and not a Cabbage or something?"

"Yes," Harry answered, with some trepidation.

"That's too bad. Do you wish to better thyself?"

"Uh. Sure."

"How stupid. Are you willing to become Philosophically Illuminized?"

"Whatever."

"I now pronounce you members of the Golden Apple Corps. Kiss your sanity goodbye."

"I told you she was trouble," Moody muttered, massaging the bridge of his nose in a fashion that suggested a major headache.

"Oh, Alastor, I think you're pretty special too. Anyway, now that you are members of the Corps, it means that you can be around the Apples withou experiencing their effects."

"Apples?" Ron looked up from the tray of pasties that he had been devouring.

"Oh honestly Ron. She must be talking about the Golden Apple of Discord that she threw that started the Trojan War."

Eris winced. "Start one damn war and nobody ever lets you forget it," she thought.

"Actually, Hermione, I let Aphrodite keep that one. While I'm still goddess of discord, I much prefer chaos and confusion. In that vein, I present the Paisley Apple of Chaos, and the Orange Apple of Confusion," Eris announced as she produced them. Fred and George stared at them with their eyes glassy and little trickles of drool forming at the corners of their mouths.

"But then why are we the Golden..." Hermione began.

"C'mon, Hermione, don't tell me you can't figure that one out? It must be because she is the goddess of chaos and confusion!" Ron grinned, showing the room a little more of the pasty he had just been eating than anybody wanted. Hermione blushed.

"And Harry is going to be given a new power all his own! I believe you folks call someone who can transform into an animal an Animagus. Harry is going to be one of those."

"A stag like 'is dad?" Tonks asked, "Or maybe a dog like 'is godfather?"

"No, nothing in an ordinary vein would suit a member of the Golden Apple Corps. Harry will be an Ostrich."

Fred and George fell over laughing. Everybody but Harry, Eris, and Omar were in fact laughing. Harry seemed on the verge of tears. Hermione noticed and managed to bring herself to some semblance of control.

"But Harry, the ostrich is the fastest land animal in the world! Not to mention that it would at least confuse You-Know-Who!"

"Yeah, and Severus Snape is a Wereflamingo," Harry muttered.

"Not a bad idea Harry! I'll see to that now," Eris beamed. "Watch the birdies, and you'll see a glimpse of what is going to happen tomorrow night."

A scene began to unfold over Harry's enormous kitchen table. Severus Snape, whom they knew had been sent by Voldemort to recruit American Wizards and Witches in Florida to be Death eaters, was running from a huge flock of birds. The ungainly pink creatures overtook him. Although flamingos aren't known for their biting ability, by the sheer number of them they managed to break the skin.

Remus began laughing as the scene faded. "I wonder if wolfsbane will do him any good," he mused aloud, "He might even try to put some of his considerable talent toward curing the problems of werecreatures now."

Fred and George chose this moment to stop drooling over the thoughts of the fun they could have with Eris's apples to ask a silly question. "Y'know, Dumbledore named the Order of the Phoenix after his pet, Fawkes. Why don’t we-"

"-call ourselves the Order of the Ostrich?" George finished with a broad grin on his face. 


End file.
